My controversial, yet valid feelings.

So, if you are reading this (the two of you), then you must know me pretty well and you will know that I am a Mormon. Instead of turning this into one of those "I'm a Mormon" videos, I'll just tell you what I believe.

I believe in God.

I believe in Jesus Christ.

I believe in the Holy Ghost.

I believe that we are children of God and that he loves all his children.

I believe that families are eternal. 

I believe that through Christ's Atonement, we can repent of our sins and return to live with our Heavenly Father again.

I believe that God hears and answers prayers. 

I believe that God knows me personally and individually. 

In the simplest of terms, that is what I believe. Today, a friend on Facebook posted this new website released by our church, mormonsandgays.org. Going to the website, I felt sick. Immediately, I thought, "This does not reflect me." Let me say it again - THIS DOES NOT REFLECT WHAT I BELIEVE! 

I am a Mormon. I believe in the gospel. I believe in Jesus Christ. And I do not believe that being gay is a sin.

One night, when I was feeling especially periodic and needing a good cry, I put on Philadelphia on Netflix. In one of the final scenes between Tom Hanks and Antonio Banderas, I began to full-on BAWL MY EYES OUT. I proceeded to say out loud (mind you, I was alone. in my room. in the dark.) "Love is beautiful! Love is rare! And it should be celebrated wherever it's found!" Dramatic? Maybe. But, I did say I was on my period.

I understand that what I am saying is controversial. Many people may be angry with me or believe me to be an unworthy member of the church. Like the title of this entry says, these are my feelings. They are controversial, but they are valid and, more importantly, they are authentically me. Maybe there are other members who feel similar to me. I just could not let my family and friends, both members and not members of the church, think that what was reflected on the website was what I personally believed. I'm probably not doing a very good job at conveying this, but it's also important for you to know that I love the gospel, I love the church. And I also can feel my feelings and think differently in this area, because that is what feels most authentic to being me.

I understand what the "ideal" is, but this is mortality. This is real and when has ANYTHING been perfect? Why isn't the church opening condemning couples that live together before marriage? or unmarried couples who adopt children? or placing governmental bans to prevent sex before marriage? or why not go back to prohibition days? These are all things the church says is wrong, but why aren't we going after these things? If we believe in people's agency, why is THIS matter of agency the one thing we are waging war against? There are INFINITE other battles to be fought. It gay relationships and gay marriage is what is going to "destroy the family", then it wasn't very strong to begin with.

I think having a message of kindness is great and beautiful and a lovely, teeny baby step in the right direction. 

That night I watched Philadelphia, even in my hormonal state, I still believe what I said aloud to be true. Love really should be celebrated wherever it is found. I have my own issues with relationships (usually unhealthy ones) and I wholeheartedly believe that when two people, no matter the gender, can be their whole, authentic selves together - that really is a beautiful thing. 

Three weeks...

I have three weeks until I go home for Christmas break! I. Can't. Wait. Seriously. Provo is grand and I've got some good friends here, but all that awaits me these next three weeks are finals, projects, mountains of homework, people getting engaged, couples walking around talking about getting engaged, couples getting married. It's beautiful and wonderful for them - but also, it gets a little annoying for the rest of us whose goal in life is to leave Provo.

My feelings for these next few weeks can be summed up in this tumblr post: http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com/post/36355420866/when-i-think-about-all-the-engagements-that-are-about

Aside from my Scrooge-like feelings towards finals and young Provo love, I have so much to be grateful for this holiday season (and all the other days, too)! I have SEVEN reasons I'm so excited to go home. And here they are in no particular order.

Joe and Joy and The Dude (not pictured).

Dad (Above)







< ---------- Gina

 Adele (the beautiful viking on the above right)






<---------- Mom

 <----Ruby

I love my family SO MUCH and can't wait to spend time with them! I know there'll be a lot of us in a small space, but that's just how we do it! It's the architectures way of making us closer and bonding us together.

 I think of the food, the Christmas made-for-TV movies, going to Disney, walking around Dad's neighborhood - did I mention the food? There is so much to look forward to and to be grateful for.

Now, to get over my insane fear of flying and make it the 7 hour plane ride home. Anyone got an Ambien?

So, I'm jumping into an oven...essentially.

So, it's been a while since I've blogged and it took a very sweet friend of mine's blog to make me do it again. Instead of just writing how I feel or what's going on in my life - I almost feel like my blog needs to be another homework assignment I'm going to be graded on (or judged, if you will) and it needs to be perfect. My hope for this is that I can just WRITE without worrying about the people (two of you) who might read this and judge me for my ugly blog design or lame musings. So here goes.

If anyone knows anything about me, it's that I love movies. So, of course, the title of this entry comes from a movie. It's a quote that I think a lot about when things get rough and I feel like how can I push forward? Here's the clip:

Can you see what I'm saying? Other than how gorgeous Jeremy Renner is, which there's not really a question about.

This semester has been insane. I'm working for the school paper (required for a class), where we need to turn in two articles a week along with the class assignments and I'm working a million jobs and trying to keep up in all my communications classes and sometimes I really feel like someone has just asked me to jump into an oven and some magnetic suit is supposed to be the thing that saves me.

It's not a secret that Provo isn't my favorite place in the world and it probably doesn't even rank in my top five. I'm an east coast girl and you can take the girl out of the east, but you can't take the east out of the girl, am I right?

On Tuesday I'll be turning 25 and in Provo, as a single woman, I might as well be filing for social security instead of gaining the ability to rent a car. Mormons, especially in Utah, culturally believe in getting married young and having a family young. I am no where near either of those things and if you get to my age without those things happening, there's a stigma attached that something MUST be wrong with you, I mean how could NO ONE want you yet, it's just crazy to imagine that I haven't been "chosen" yet, like one of those little aliens in the Toy Story vending machine.

Most of the time, I feel fine about where I am in my life. This is MY journey and yes, it may be different from everyone else's, but it's MINE and everything I've been through has made me the person that I am and continues to do so. But, sometimes, there are days when those negative thoughts about my age, body, situation in life, abilities and self-doubt regarding everything and anything start to slip through the cracks in my poorly insulated bedroom windows (that reminds me, I need to buy curtains with winter coming...). As Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman, "The bad stuff is easier to believe." Some days it IS easier to just believe the bad things people say and the negative stigmas and connotations that go along with my journey and my story of a 25 year old still in college, single in Provo. In one of those days where my senior citizen status in Provo felt particularly potent, I signed up for the LDSsingles dating site. AH! I just told you all (the two of you) my secret! Let the judging commence! Yep, online dating. That site can be an entire blog post by itself, so I'll hold off on saying anything more about that.

Back to the Jeremy Renner clip... Simon Pegg has to reassure Renner over and over that he.will.catch.him. Not to go into the spiritual (which I actually quoted this clip in a testimony meeting a couple months ago and related it to my relationship with God), but he isn't the only person who has caught me. There are the friends who make Starbucks runs with me, who invite me to spend Thanksgiving with them, who go running in the freezing cold with me because I need to talk or let out frustration or just CONNECT to someone who isn't a robot and has their own opinions, like me. There are the people who send me little reminders that they love me and that I'm special to them, all the way from New York, Boston and Florida.

My life right now is me jumping into a giant oven. But, it feels really great having people around to catch me.